Optimism We Haz U

• Get up on the right side of bed.
• Marvel at my acute sensitivity to the difference between right and left.
• Our educational system is working!
• Shower.
• Running water is great!  And so are vocal cords.  I love you, arytenoid cartilages!  I love you, Chaka Khan!
• Pop-tarts: An unequivocal sign that humanity is on the right track.
• Coffee is for pessimists!
• Who's the fairest of them all?  
• Who likes rhetorical questions?
• I'm not working; I'm pursuing my passion!  
• My passion moves with the speed of a decrepit box turtle! 
• I catch it every time!
• Coffee is for pessimists!  
• Look behind you!
• Sometimes I hold coffee cups to make the rest of you feel better, but I am naturally so perky that caffeine is redundant.
• What slurping noise?
• That's the sound of me sucking in happiness from air currents.
• No, I've already explained that coffee is for pessimists.
• Did somebody wake up on the left side of the bed?
• How about you go enjoy yourself and I will clean the coffee machine because I am filled with generosity, love, and light?
• I think you meant to say "effulgent."
• No.  
• I mean, yes.  
• No means yes!
• NO. 
• Now you're just fulfilling less than 100% of your potential.
• Judgment is not judgmental when it comes from a place of love.
• Give me back the coffee DAMN IT.
• By DAMN IT, I mean "fluffy bunnies."
• Fluffy bunnies.
• Fluffy bunnies.
• Fluffy bunnies.