Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Retreat

I never understood why people went on retreat.  Why put yourself through the stress of travel when you could hunker at home?  COVID has opened my eyes.  When you never leave home, and when you are never alone, the desperation to be somewhere, anywhere, else mounts.

This is why you find me, today, $300 poorer than I was last week, holed up in an Airbnb one mile from my house.

It is bliss.

This is my second night; tomorrow I drive home in time to get my kind onto his school Zoom at 8:00.  The first night, I sat and stared at the wall of the guesthouse for a long time.  Then I went out into the garden and stared at the garden.  I watched the sunset.  I got up and went back inside and wandered up and down the stairs, into and out of all the rooms, the silence ringing in my ears.  I ate dinner at 4:30 PM and was in bed by 8:00.

In the morning, I felt peppier.  This was freedom!  I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted!  And what I wanted was to watch Welsh police procedurals at 6:30 AM!  I did that for a while.  I ate breakfast exercised and ate a second breakfast and decided to go hiking.  Why have I never hiked alone before?  It is the best thing.  

I came home and finished a book and tried to nap a bit and began to get antsy.  I was living the dream!  This was the life...!  Whatever I wanted, I could do, and I wanted to....work.

So I did a bit of long term planning and reflection, both on some career projects and on how I wanted to react, going forward, to the rest of the pandemic.

Looking back, it's a clear recovery arc- stupor, then bacchanal, followed by boredom leading to reflective productivity.  I needed this.  

I also realize now how much the fact that I am never by myself anymore is a kind of chronic trauma.  I miss myself.  I am great company.  I miss quiet and ease and reflection. 

I don't know what to do about that, other than perhaps booking my next retreat.  January 2021?

Saturday, September 5, 2020

Wait, what day is it?

William started virtual school.  It went better than I expected, because his school actually got off its duff to provide synchronous instruction this year.  (I'm glad all the energy I put into loudly bemoaning the lack of synchronous teaching in the spring was justified?  It's always nice to know that your untrammeled whinging had a point.)

School in general is made for kids like William.  He loves structure, assignments, and conformity.  I'm worried about some of these characteristics in the long term, but in the short term it's an easy ride.

What else is happening?  

-A smattering of the first days that give one an inkling that there might, at some distant point on the horizon, be something other than summer.

-Donuts.

-I have muted the most egregious virtue signalers in my FB feed and it has made me much happier.

-Lots o' teaching, as per usual.  Now that I only have one career, it's trickier to separate my sense of self from it.  Still learning to navigate this.

-Margaret is getting to be excessively two.