Paper Chase

1) Open door.  Prepare to receive universe's daily offering of newsprint.

2) No paper.  Stand in open-mouthed denial, in PJs and in full view of neighborhood for one hundred and seventy two seconds.

3) Head back inside.  Close door.  Draw cleansing breath.

4) Open door.  Prepare to receive universe's daily offering of newsprint.

5) You are an intrepid explorer!  This is a scavenger hunt!  Search porch, under porch, trees, under trees, cars, passersby, crawlspace, dog orifices, shed, neighbors' gardens, neighbors.

6) Keen.

7) Head back inside and make tea.

9) Sulk.

10) Stick head out the front door and sniff hopefully for ink.

11) Close door.

11) Rock.

12)  Try reading paper online which is NOT AS SATISFYING. NOT BY HALF.

13) Try opening the door again.

14)  How will you survive without the liturgy of the unfolding of the pages?  The perusal of the National Section, the skimming of the Arts, the determined ignoring of depressing international news, the casting of yourself upon the pyre of the crossword?  How are you supposed to make it all the way to Sunday?!?

15)  Reflect on addictive quality of daily paper.  Decide to wean yourself from its evil influence.  It's a good thing the paper didn't come today, because you WOULDN'T HAVE READ IT ANYWAY. You are fully capable of rising and shining without reading that the sun is, too.

16) Break down and check the weather online.

17) Circle the coffee table thirty-five times while hopping on one foot and chanting the names of past editors of the NYT.  Yank that door open and embrace your...

18) Damn.