Friday, July 25, 2008
How to Build your Very Own Picnic Table
The voyage of self-discovery is best undertaken with the aid of books you find in the bathroom. How many lives have been capsized subsequent to a quick perusal of Would you Rather? How many lost souls have found themselves, upon rising from the commode, re-molded in the image of Calvin or Hobbes or even that sour, bespectacled Dad?
For my part, I have unearthed The Old Farmer’s Almanac 1980 edition, a handy little tome which informs me that, thanks to an interaction between the heavens and the day of my birth, I am versatile, frank, philosophical, and optimistic. (This in addition to informing me of the best way to make use of leftover cornmeal.) I suppose 1.5 out of four isn’t bad.
I learn, furthermore, that I am compatible with people of the star signs Aries, Leo, Aquarius, and Libra (nice to know I have 1/3 of the population at my disposal). These folks are clearly differentiated, according to the Almanac, from people to whom I am attracted: I am attracted to Tauruses. I don’t think I know any Tauruses. Apparently Cancers can’t get enough of my putative versatility; I don’t think I know any Cancers, either, which perhaps explains my rather ungratifying dearth of lovesick swains.
As for career and activities of daily living, I am to pursue music, teaching, clergypersonhood or horse training. I display uncommon aptitudes for sheep shearing, buying clothes, harvesting herbs, travel and romance, weaning, slaughtering, and pulling teeth.
I have so clearly been heading down the wrong life path.