In Which I Lose a Student

The thing about being in a service profession, particularly one in which you have sustained contact with individuals over time, is that people eventually quit you.  They gain new priorities, tire of lessons, have life events, grow old, die.  Reliably, this hurts.

It hurts whether you've been expecting it or not.  It hurts whether you've been teaching for one year or twenty.  It hurts whether you enjoyed the person or not, though it hurts much less when you didn't.  It hurts whether or not you had a part in the departure, though it hurts more when you know you did.  And it hurts whether you've served the person for years or just a few sessions, though there's a clear correlation, for me, between length of relationship and degree of hurt.

I was expecting this latest departure.  The student had recently taken a voluntary break, which is a key sign of disengagement.  If a student takes an involuntary break, they may well return; a student who takes a voluntary break usually returns for a time, but eventually quits.  I enjoyed the student, and she was long-term; I also precipitated the departure by enforcing my cancellation policy.  I don't regret doing that, because the policy is necessary for my sanity and financial health, but I guessed when I enforced it that it would cost me my student.

So it hurts.

The specifics shift, but the loss persists.  In part this is because, in order for a student to end an existing relationship, they must formally reject you.  It makes the up front sting worse, but is a better option, over time, than the ghosting or disappearing a friend can do.

I know ending the professional relationship is hard for students, too, because I've found that many try to wiggle out of it: they "go on hiatus," or "take a break," and "forget" to return to lessons.  I find this gutless, and prefer it when students make a formal break.  Lately I've grown tired of letting the dodgers off the hook, so I've taken to forcing he issue- checking back in on my students who are on hiatus and making them commit themselves one way or another.  It's cleaner, and ultimately kinder.

For someone who fears rejection, I have ironically set myself up for a lifetime of it.

On the other hand, everything ends.  Every student I have will ultimately leave me, every connection I maintain will be severed, every single thing I cling to in this life will be taken from me.

So maybe it's good practice.