Loll

I've lost the knack of lolling.

It's something to do with whatever mid-life crisis I've been trudging through -midlife crisis turning out to comprise, in my case, not a corvette but a slog.  I have a sense that I can't possibly waste time, because I have only much time left, and if you fritter it away that's sacrilege or profanity or some other horror.

So I have trouble doing what I used to do, which was to spend time, profligately, on not much of anything, tossing my minutes into the air like confetti.

I miss that voluptuous waste.

I've given myself most of the day off today.  Not the whole day off, because the self-employed never really get vacation, and I need to make money, and so I'm teaching two lessons in the late afternoon.  But before that I've got at least four hours in which I have no fixed engagements.

I'm struggling, mightily, not to refer to my to-do list.  So far I've cleaned the kitchen and sent some work emails and restrained myself from purchasing airline tickets for work.  I need a leisure director.  Someone to tell me what to do when I don't want to tell myself.