I've lost the knack of lolling.
It's something to do with whatever mid-life crisis I've been trudging through -midlife crisis turning out to comprise, in my case, not a corvette but a slog. I have a sense that I can't possibly waste time, because I have only much time left, and if you fritter it away that's sacrilege or profanity or some other horror.
So I have trouble doing what I used to do, which was to spend time, profligately, on not much of anything, tossing my minutes into the air like confetti.
I miss that voluptuous waste.
I've given myself most of the day off today. Not the whole day off, because the self-employed never really get vacation, and I need to make money, and so I'm teaching two lessons in the late afternoon. But before that I've got at least four hours in which I have no fixed engagements.
I'm struggling, mightily, not to refer to my to-do list. So far I've cleaned the kitchen and sent some work emails and restrained myself from purchasing airline tickets for work. I need a leisure director. Someone to tell me what to do when I don't want to tell myself.