UGH

The bad news, the really bad news, is that we have bedbugs. I'm reluctant to use the past tense "had" because the fuckers are extraordinarily hard to get rid of, and even though we have had a pest control operator out to douse everything we own with pesticide and are living out of Ziploc bags (who knew they made XXL Ziplocs?), I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm sharing this information because apparently we are pioneers (I never wanted to be a pioneer. Ever! Not even when playing Oregon Trail was the coolest!): Bedbugs, after a 30-year DDT-induced bivouac, have decamped are streaming over the horizon like the Mongol horde.

I would never want any of you to experience this nightmare. We are already out nearly $1000 and possibly more to come if this first round didn't do it. I have had to go on prescription medication, buy an incredible amount of plastic, and shop repeatedly at Wal-Mart. I have been unable to accomplish much of anything other than crying, throwing away things I own, and reading on the Internet about people who've been fighting bugs for years, or who have had to tent and gas their entire houses for the cost of a small sedan, or who have tried and failed to move without the bugs.

My husband almost certainly brought these back from a work-related trip to Europe, though you can also get them at work, from visiting friends and relations, from used furniture or clothes, from neighboring apartments (they like wall voids), or from any kind of travel you do. Educate yourself. Do not travel lightly. Inspect the premises of anywhere you stay and if you see signs of bugs, get the hell out of there.

That nursery rhyme will never be cute again.