Work life, slo-mo:
7:57 AM: Trek to work. Ignore bitter cold because morning is beautiful, sparkly, happy time. Sidestep a) drunk and b) large metal crane
8:02 AM: Arrive at work ready to share morning joy. No one around and/or everyone is hiding. Retreat to desk.
8:04 AM: Pull files, spend 15 minutes subtracting birthdays from current date b.c. cannot figure out how to carry in base 12.
8:20 AM: Morning joy dissipating. Eye chocolate by sign-in sheet. Try to see if eyes are really crossed on own ID badge. Check work email 3 or 4 times and read, out of desperation, district-wide inspirational newsletter which is sole piece of email. Misplace humanity by filing cabinet.
8:30 AM Begin team conference for 3-year-old who only says "uh."
9:15 AM Begin fidgeting.
9:30 AM Begin brain logoff.
9:45 AM Abruptly rediscover humanity when parent, who hadn't quite realized how serious things were, begins to cry
10:45 AM Conference wrapping up. Lose track of regained humanity on the way to grab evaluation kit for 2-year-old using puzzle pieces as cruise missiles.
10:47 AM Evaluate 2-year-old
11:43 AM Use bubbles to get own way. Admit to being shameless manipulator of small children.
11:45 AM Chocolate by sign-in sheet is GONE!! Eye coworkers suspiciously.
11:47 AM Write report
12:18 PM Attempt to print.
12:19 PM Fail.
12:20 PM Make a note to call IT for the fourth time in four weeks, and not to believe any of their sweet talk.
12:22 PM Entertain IT revenge fantasy involving bubbles. And pain.
12:23 PM Run home for lunch. Spend lunch crouched over heating vent starting at wall while attempting to expunge "Old MacDonald" from mental musical repertory.
12:51 PM Back to work. Ignore "hey baby girl how you doin?" from shambly man on main drag. Reflect that, purely by dint of having all teeth and weighing less than 250 pounds, have shot up from blah to beautiful. Reconsider advantages of new county of residence.
1:00 PM Still no chocolate. Covet neighbor's thin mints while cursing self for not ordering said mints. Why. WHY?!
1:10 PM Roust psychologist from cafeteria for 1:00 PM appointment.
1:15 PM Begin evaluation, late, of irascible 2-year-old w. large lung volume. Irascibility over the top. Psychologist terminates and reschedules evaluation.
1:17 PM Wait for ringing in ears to subside.
1:23 PM Celebrate unexpected freedom by catching up on paperwork. Ooo boy.
2:30 PM More paperwork. Cop issues speeding ticket outside.
2:47 PM Another speeding ticket, segueing into a marijuana bust! Much excitement! Education professionals line up at window like cows at feeding trough!
3:30 PM Cop gone. Prepare to leave. WHERE IS CHOCOLATE?!?! WHERE?!?!
3:40 PM Actually manage to leave after 10 minutes tangled in own phone cord. Grumpy. Chocolateless. Hmmph.
Another day, another dollar...
2 comments:
Loved this. Your posts are frequently the highlight of my RSS reader.
You are my hero(ine). I love pretty much everything you have ever written here.
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